


Expanded Reality ( or Connections in a changing world)

by DreamLogic



Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-23
Updated: 2014-02-23
Packaged: 2018-01-13 11:31:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,847
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1224679
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DreamLogic/pseuds/DreamLogic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alison Hendrix had never wanted or expected anything other than a normal life until Beth Childs showed up, but now that she has, she wouldn't want it any other way.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Expanded Reality ( or Connections in a changing world)

**Author's Note:**

> This is just basically an attempt to transform some of my headcanons into something readable and coherent and hopefully enjoyable for others. Kudos goes to dellphine for helping create and round out some of these (I hope I did them justice)

Alison Hendrix was many things. Suburban housewife, soccer mom, figure skating coach, child, mother, but one thing she never expected to add to that list was clone. So somewhat understandably the first time Beth Childs contacts her claiming that they were both just that, she laughed at the crazy suggestion, and hung up the phone without a second thought, thinking it just some prank, and continued on with her perfectly normal, suburban life.   

 

All she had ever wanted was to have a normal life, with the house and the husband and the 2.5 kids. She was determined to ignore anything that could potentially threaten the life that she had built for herself. Even if she did find it strange that a perfect stranger, a grown woman by the sounds of her, would partake in something as childish as a prank call, she couldn’t for one second let herself believe in anything that could threaten that. She couldn’t.  

 

She didn’t laugh when exactly three days later Beth Childs turned up on her doorstep, and as she took in the woman in front of her she was forced to accept that as ridiculous as it sounded, this woman may actually be telling the truth. That they might actually be clones. It was obvious that she’d at least tried to disguise her face, but still, the resemblance was striking.

 

‘Alison Hendrix.’ It wasn’t a question.

 

She stepped past Beth out onto her porch, arms wrapped around her middle, eyes searching for anyone that could have seen the woman standing in broad daylight in front of her house, before pivoting abruptly and taking hold of the other woman’s arm. She pulled her into her house and down towards her craft room, her children were at her mother’s house but she still couldn’t be too careful. She couldn’t let anyone see her.

 

She closed the door behind and turned to look at the woman, allowing herself a moment to really take the other woman in. She managing to stop herself from reaching out to touch her face just to make sure that she was real. There was no way that she was real. She shouldn’t be real, but there she was, staring right back her a kind of awe on her face as if she couldn’t believe what she was looking at either.

 

‘Are you an idiot?’ Alison finally asked, breaking the silence, looking away from the woman’s gaze. ‘Anyone could have seen you!’

‘Yeah well, you weren’t exactly answering my calls, were you?’

 

‘And most people would take that as a sign that the person they were trying to contact doesn’t want to speak to them.’

 

‘Well in case you hadn’t noticed we’re not most people. That’s what I was trying to tell you.’ Beth replied.

 

‘Well excuse me if I didn’t immediately believe some story about human cloning!’

 

‘You thought I was joking? Why would I joke about that?’

 

‘I don’t know, do I? I don’t know you.’ Alison took a deep, shuddering breath as she fought to control her rising anger at the audacity of this woman. ‘You call me out of the blue, talking about clones and expect me to just accept that. You barge into my life, into my home, without warning and just expect me to accept that. Well I will not stand for it. Unless it directly affects me or my family, unless we are in danger I do not want to know! Okay? Now get your ugly face out of here before I call the police.’

 

Beth barked out a hollow laugh at this ‘You really think getting police involved is a good idea? Seriously? You are involved whether you want to be or not, this is… it’s biology…, it binds us and trust me, it’s not something you can run away from If I hadn’t found you one of the others would have eventually. And anyway’ She said as she reached into her pocket, pulling something small from her pocket ‘I am the police.’ She raised the badge, holding it in front of her for closer inspection. ‘Detective Elizabeth Childs, at your service.’

 

 

* * *

 

 

The strange meeting stayed with Alison for days, even though Beth hadn’t stayed long after the initial revelation the feeling of permanence, of change, of Beth herself, followed her. Her first impression of the woman hadn’t been a good one, but that didn’t mean that she could feel the remnants of her presence, the image of her double clouding her vision. She couldn’t shake her.

She’d never been one to search for change, perfectly content in the life that she felt she was destined to. Well, not content, resigned. Normality was key, just as her mother had taught her and there was something about Beth that threatened that. Cloning. That was the opposite of normality.

She resolved to stay away. Everything about this situation screamed trouble and she had her children to think about. Even if she wanted to talk to Beth, even if the unanswered questions plagued her, her family was that mattered. They were what was important, not some stranger with her face.

The rational part of her mind still tried to tell her, still wanted to believe that the idea of human cloning was ridiculous, that there had to be another explanation for the whole thing, but Beth had seemed so earnest in her attempts to convince her that Alison just couldn’t believe that she was lying. That and the visual evidence .Even if she had wanted to she didn’t think that she would be able to just completely disregard it. And yet, after a few weeks of no contact from the other woman, Alison had almost convinced herself that she had imagined the entire episode. That the whole thing was just some crazy dream that had lingered in the day light, clouding her mind and making her believe the impossible.

She was happy enough to just continue on with her life and pretend that it had never happened. That was, of course, until she got another phone call. Normality was key.  

Beth didn’t contact her again until she’d found another one of them, another clone, saying that despite everything she’d claimed she deserved and needed to know what was going on. But still, it shattered the illusion of normality, the denial that she had managed to build around herself since Beth’s visit.

It was anything but easy to pretend that everything is normal when a woman claiming to be her clone was talking to her.

‘Why do I need to know this? I don’t want anything to do with this, with any of it.’

‘You deserve to know the truth!’

‘Maybe I didn’t want to know. Maybe I would have been better off not knowing. Did you ever think about that?’

Beth fell silent on the other end of the line.

‘I’m sorry,’ Beth said finally ‘I shouldn’t have assumed, I just…do you really not want to know everything. The truth about who we are?’

‘What difference does it make Beth? Does it really change anything, knowing this? Knowing that there are at least two other women out there with my face? I’ve told you before, Beth. No unless you know there is a direct threat against my family, my children, I don’t want to hear it.’

She didn’t wait for a reply.

 

 

* * *

 

The third time Beth called was when everything changed, for Alison at least.

‘They’re hunting us.’ Is out of Beth’s mouth before Alison can even ask who it is.

‘What?’

‘There is someone out there, hunting us. I know you told me not to contact you anymore, but you’re in danger Alison. We all are. You can tell me to leave you alone forever afterwards, but I brought you into this mess and you have to let me make sure you’re safe.’

‘Okay, so what do we do?’

 

* * *

 

They met in the middle of nowhere. Beth citing that it was safer to meet away from other people. Getting out of her car Alison made her way towards Beth, still not sure as to how meeting in the middle of a field was supposed to help her protect her family, but it was Beth that was the cop, not her.

‘Hey’ Beth greeted her almost shyly, ‘thanks for coming.’ Although, she supposed she could understand the hesitance in her greeting. She’d be hesitant too if she’d been shouted down every time she’d tried to speak. Hell if Beth had done that to her she probably let whoever was after her kill her, she’d only been trying to talk to her, maybe help and she’d shouted in her face. And now she was going out of her way to try to help.

Maybe there were good people in the world, after all.

‘You said you could help protect us. Me. My family.’

‘Yeah,’ Beth nodded hesitantly before she walked over to her car and opened the passenger side door. ‘Come over here a minute.’

Alison walked over to the other woman coming to a stop beside her, peering into the car to see whatever it was that she wanted to show her and promptly walked away again, trying to comprehend what she’d just seen.

‘A gun? Are you serious?’

‘You wanted to be able to protect yourself.’

‘I can’t shoot a gun.’

‘That’s why I’m going to teach you.’

‘Oh really? You are, are you?’

‘I’m a cop Alison. I’m certified and I know what I’m doing.’

Alison had no reply to that, even if the idea of her having to fire a gun at anyone set her on edge.

‘I don’t like this.’

‘I never said you had to.’

‘Okay.’ Alison took a deep breath before turning to face her. ‘Okay.’

‘Alright. Let’s do this.’ Beth walked towards Alison, a pair of ear-protectors in each hand, proffering a pair towards Alison but before she could reach out to take them Beth’s phone rang shrilly from her pocket. She held both pairs in one had as she reached into her pocket, freeing her phone from its confines, turning away from Alison to take the call.

Beth spoke to the person with a soft urgency, tension falling heavy in her shoulders that had not been there before. Even if she couldn’t hear what they were saying whoever this was on the other end clearly wasn’t someone she wanted to talk to.

‘I have to go.’ Beth said to Alison as she hung up the call. ‘Something’s come up and I have to go.’

‘But you haven’t taught me anything yet.’

‘Look who’s keen all of a sudden.’

‘Don’t mock me.’

‘I’m not. God. I’m just trying to lighten the mood a little bit.’

‘There’s nothing remotely ‘light’ about this, Beth!’

‘You think I don’t know that, Alison? But we have to try to keep it together, or we’re going to lose ourselves. ‘

The tension filled the space between them as Alison looked around, looking at anything but Beth as she struggled to admit to herself that Beth was right. She couldn’t afford to let it get to her. That was the only way she was going to get through it.

‘You’re right.’ She acceded softly.

‘You’re damn right, I’m right.’ Beth said, a soft smile adorning her face. ‘I have to go. But tomorrow, come back tomorrow and I’ll teach you. I promise.’

 

* * *

 

 

The next day Alison arrived before Beth, jumping out of her car even though there was no sign of the other woman in sight, anxious to get this behind her so she could just get on with her life, if that was even possible anymore. When Beth finally pulled up fifteen minutes later, Alison made her way over to her before she could even get out of the car.

‘You’re late.’ She offered by way of greeting, as Beth was opening the car door.

‘No. You were early.’

‘Well, anyway. We’re both here now, so let’s just get this over with.’

‘Whatever you say, Alison.’

Beth moved round to the other side of the car, Alison following closely behind her, following the same routine as she had the day before she opened the glove compartment, pulling its contents out onto the passenger seat in front of her.

‘Before anything.’ Beth said, turning towards Alison, offering a small phone towards her.

‘What is it?’

‘It’s a phone, Alison.’

‘Well I can see that, detective obvious. I mean why are you giving it to me?’

‘It’s a burn phone.’ Beth took a deep breath as she looked straight into Alison’s eyes. ‘Cosima… the other one of us, the one I mentioned before, well, she thinks that there may be people watching us, monitoring us. And these phones will make us harder to track. Okay?’

‘Monitoring us? What do you mean, monitoring us?’

‘Cosima, she’s a scientist and she said that us being clones…’

‘Can we not use the C-word? Please.’

Saying the word made it real. Somewhere in the back of her mind she was still stubbornly holding on the idea that this was just some elaborate hoax. Every word that left Beth’s mouth, particularly that one made it more real.

Beth paused, looking down at her feet before speaking again. Her caution evident in every word. ‘As I was saying, Cosima, she said that this would be, that we would, way too big of an investment to just let run free. She says that there must be someone watching us, and you got to admit it makes sense.’

Alison took a breath as she struggled to contain her anger, her disbelief, a hand coming up to cover her mouth, as if that would stop the words from escaping even if some traitorous tears managed to escape her eyes. Guess normality really was blown to hell ‘Great, so we’re what? Lab rats? Someone’s experiment?’

‘Something like that.’

‘Well that’s just perfect.’ She said, her voice cracking as the tears began to fall in earnest.

She didn’t notice that Beth had walked towards her until she placed an unsure hand on her arm, her thumb stroking the flesh beneath it. Alison stilled at the touch, Beth really was real. Solid. Warm. Human. She stared at the movement as Beth began to talk, whispered condolences washing over her, calming her.

‘It’s going to be okay, you know?’ Beth said as Alison started to calm, her thumb still moving in in hypnotic, even strokes. Grounding her.

‘You promise?’ Alison asked as she finally drew her eyes away from Beth’s hand, meeting her steady gaze.

Beth pulled her in quickly, ‘I promise.’ She breathed into Alison’s ear before releasing her and stepping away. The phantom arms that remained around her even as Beth moved away, impressed the promise upon her heart. The lingering intimacy of the moment hung between them as she reached out to take the phone.

‘It’s pink.’ She said in appreciative surprise, a small smile blooming.

‘Yeah well,’ Beth coughed out ‘I, er… I thought you might appreciate it.’

Alison watched as the other woman bashfully avoided her stare. She may have been a stranger, but she was trying, Alison had to give her that. Trying to be nice, make her as comfortable as humanly possible. She really was one of the good ones, despite her first impressions.

‘So’ Beth said, a little too loudly, before finally meeting her eyes ‘I’ve got the number and I’ve put mine in so you can reach me if you need to. If you need me I’ll be there, okay? But for now let’s shoot.’

* * *

 

They’d been at it for a little over an hour when Beth decided to call it a day and Alison could feel the frustration rolling off herself. She had still yet to hit any of the targets and that was unacceptable. Beth had made it look so easy, she must have looked like an idiot.

‘You’re doing fine.’ Beth said as they moved back towards the cars placing a placating hand on her shoulder, ‘just give it some time, practice, and we’ll make a marksman of you yet.’

Alison scoffed, even as a she smiled at Beth’s encouragement.

‘Tomorrow?’ she asked as she climbed into her car, ‘Same time?’

‘Same time.’ Beth echoed, nodding in confirmation. ‘See you then.’

As she drove away, Alison vowed that the next day she’d show those targets what was what.

* * *

 

‘This is bullshit!’ Alison called as she yet again missed the target.

‘Hey, hey, hey.’ Beth called moving closer to the agitated woman and slowly removed the gun from her hand. ‘You need to calm down or you’ll hurt yourself. Let’s take a break, okay?’

‘Okay, okay.’ Alison agreed, following Beth back over to their cars as she continued to mutter angrily under her breath. Beth made it seem so easy, and they were genetic identicals for God’s sake, surely if Beth could do it, she could.

Apparently not.

She sat on the hood of Beth’s car as the woman settled beside her, a pasta dish of some sort and two forks in her hands. Beth handed one of the forks to her as she began to pick through the food.

‘I don’t have to tell you what to do with it, do I?’ Beth asked, as teasing smile on her face. ‘Eat. We’ve been out here for hours and some food’ll do you some good. I cooked it myself.’ She added as if this in itself was reason enough to try it.

Alison took a cautious bite. It was good, she noted. Really good. Another thing Beth was better than her at then.   But still not one to turn down a good meal, she began to pick at the food in Beth’s lap, noting the large amount. Obviously intended for more than one person. This wasn’t just her sharing her food, Beth had planned this.

‘You know no one’s ever cooked for me before.’ Alison started, quietly.

‘Really?’ Beth asked, looking up. ‘No man ever tried to cook his way into your pants? I find that hard to believe.’

‘Ha! Hardly. I’ve been with Donnie since high school and the man can barely order take-out.’

‘All those years and he’s never even tried?’

‘Not once! And I, for one, am thankful for it. He’d probably kill us both!’

Alison descended into laughter at the thought of Donnie trying to cook anything, taking Beth along with her, after nearly ten years together she really doubted that he had any tricks hidden up his sleeves.

‘God, same guy since high school.’ She said, shaking her head in disbelief ‘How’s that working out for you?’

‘ eh.’

It was nice, Alison thought, to have someone to laugh with again. That had been what had drawn her to Donnie in the first place. It had been too long since someone had made her laugh, she missed it.

* * *

 

‘Now’ Beth said as they resumed their lesson, ‘Just relax. Relax your stance, remember your breathing and when you’re ready, take another shot.’ Alright, she had this.

Another miss.

‘C’mon, Alison. It’s not that hard.’

‘Easy for you to say, Miss police officer.’

Beth walked towards Alison, and she could feel her eyes boring into her, examining her. ‘You’re leaning away from the gun. You can’t be afraid of the gun, you have to control it, not the other way round.’

Stepping up behind Alison, leaving only a breath of space between their bodies, Beth raised her hands, trying to reposition her, correct her stance, finally her hand coming to rest on hers on the gun.

Alison could practically feel Beth’s body against hers, even with the space left between them. Heat radiated out from Beth’s hand on hers. She really shouldn’t have been so hyperaware of her. She shouldn’t want Beth to close the space between them. She didn’t even know the woman, really she knew nothing about her, about her life, but still had had never felt closer to another person. Even with Donnie and she’d married him.

‘Relax.’ Beth breathed from behind her, ‘You’re so tense, you just need to relax.’

Beth stepped away to watch as Alison took her next shot. ‘Breathing.’ She intoned softly.

Breathing. Right.

Another shot.

A hit. Finally, a hit.

‘Oh my God.’ Alison whispered ‘I did it!’

She placed the gun down and whirled around to face Beth, ‘I did it!’ she shouted as she threw herself at the other woman. Not worrying about how a hug would be received, she clung to her in her joy.

‘Yeah you did.’ Beth said, laughter in her voice, hugging her back just as fiercely, ‘I’m so proud of you.’

They held on to each other for a moment longer before stepping away, not disengaging completely, Beth’s hands coming to rest on Alison’s arms, their eyes meeting.

Beth really did have a nice smile.

‘Feels good, right? Powerful.’ She said, pulling Alison from her thoughts.

‘It’s certainly a rush.’ Alison conceded.

‘It’s great stress relief.’

‘I can well believe that.’

‘Again?’ Beth asked as she pulled away completely, leaving Alison slightly dazed.

‘Yeah.’ She agreed, ‘again.’

 

* * *

 

At first Alison had been content to leave it at that and just go back to her life, she’d hit that darn target, after all, what more did she need to know? But Beth insisted that she needed more practice.

And that’s how it started out. Practice. But the more time she spent with Beth, the more she learnt about her, the more she was able to look past her face and see her as another person, the more she just liked being around her. She didn’t know when they had started to meet there just because they wanted to, because they enjoyed each other’s company, or at least she hoped the enjoyment was mutual, but she liked it. She liked it a lot.

‘She’s just such a…. such a… bitch’ Alison ranted as she lined up her shot.

Beth was right it was great stress relief.

Beth was laughing freely at Alison’s outburst from her where she was sitting, but she didn’t mind. There was no judgement there, and Alison liked it. She liked Beth’s laughter, the way that her face lit up, the way that she seemed to be truly free from whatever weight she was carrying around the rest of the time.

She liked the way that while she was with her she could just be Alison. The time she spent with Beth felt like a whole other world. It was so far removed from the life she lived and breathed but somehow, when they were together, Alison felt more alive, more real, than she ever had before.

‘Wait.’ Beth said abruptly, ‘who were we talking about again?’

‘Aynsley. She… She,’

‘Is such a bitch?’

‘Exactly.’

Alison rested her head on Beth’s shoulder as she sat down next to her. A small smile blooming on her face as her laughter died down feeling Beth’s head touch her briefly, arm snaking around her waist.

That was new.

‘Thanks.’ She said, raising her head to look at Beth. ‘I needed that.’

‘It’s okay,’ Beth said, looking right back at her, ‘I don’t mind.’

Alison was always struck by the differences that she found between their faces, with just how they could look so different if they were clones. She had to stop herself from reaching out to touch, to trace the lines on her face, with her fingers to try and figure out just how she could be real and so like her but so different at the same time.

There was only one of her, but only one of Beth too. She was glad that she’d found her, no matter the circumstances.

‘You know you can talk to me too?’ Alison said after a while. ‘If you need to, I mean.’

Beth inhaled sharply, finally looking down away from Alison, pulling her arm away and into her own lap. ‘I know.’

‘I just feel like it’s always me complaining to you and I…’

‘Alison.’ Beth interjected before Alison could ‘I told you already, I don’t mind. I actually like listening to you.’

‘Really?’

‘Is that so hard to believe?’

‘It’s just Donnie…’

‘Well Donnie is an idiot.’ Beth said as she stood up, turning to face her. ’Don’t listen to him, okay?’

Alison was surprised by the force behind her words, the venom injected into every syllable despite her having never met him, the sincerity in her expression.

‘You, Alison, are great. Don’t let Donnie get you down.’

The earnestness and genuine affection in her tone, from the normally reserved woman left Alison in a stupor, leaving her unable to react as Beth began to walk away from her towards her car.

‘And Alison.’ She called as she opened the car door, ‘If I do need to talk, you’re first on my list. I promise.’

 

* * *

 

Although, Beth had promised to call her if she needed someone to talk to, Alison had never really expected it to happen. Even when they were together, when everything was light and carefree, Alison couldn’t help but feel like Beth was always holding something back.

It came as a surprise, therefore, when she received a phone call from tearful Beth in the middle of the night, begging for her to come over.

‘Donnie.’ She whispered, trying to wake her slumbering husband. ‘Donnie!’

‘What?’ Donnie grumbled from beside her.

‘I have to go somewhere.’ She said as she climbed out of the bed, ‘Watch the kids. I’ll be back in the morning.’

‘Wha’? Where you going?’ he asked sleepily, sitting up to look at him.

‘Just, watch the kids? Please?’

‘Sure. Sure.’ He said as he rolled over and back to sleep.

Like he cared anyway.

She drove as fast as she could to the address given, thankful that there aren’t more cars on the road in the middle of the night. And as the door to the townhouse opened she felt her heart break at the sight of the woman.

Whenever they’d been together Beth had always been so put together, unbreakable, confident that seeing her then struggling to control her breathing as tears streamed from red eyes, she could scarcely believe that it was the same woman.

Following her inside, she sat next to the distraught woman, throwing an arm around her shoulder in the hopes that she could help hold her together. Beth in turn buried her face in the crook of her neck as she sobbed, tears still falling freely onto the skin beneath.

‘You said that if I needed someone to talk to that I could call you.’ Beth mumbled

‘Oh, honey.’ Alison sighed as she pulled her closer, resting her own head atop Beth’s. ‘We can talk whenever you need to.’

She didn’t know how long they had sat there, her softly running her fingers through Beth’s hair in calming motions but somehow it didn’t matter. At some point they had reclined to lean against the couch but none of it mattered. She couldn’t remember the last time she had felt that content to just be close to another person.

‘It’s Paul.’ Beth eventually said, still not moving her head from where it rested on Alison’s chest. ‘My boyfriend.’

Alison’s fingers stilled momentarily as she tried to recall whether Beth had ever mentioned him before, before resuming their path.

‘I just…’ Beth continued, burrowing further into Alison, ‘I just don’t understand. I mean we live together, we discussed children but still he’s so detached you know and I just. Don’t. Understand. It always feels like he’s so far away even when he’s here and I know I’m probably being stupid and imagining things. I feel stupid. Calling you out here in the middle of the night to listen to me cry about spilt milk but I didn’t know who to call and…’

‘Hey, hey, hey’ Alison interjected as she tilted Beth’s face towards her. ‘Stop that. You needed someone tonight. That’s more than enough reason to call.’

Alison let felt Beth melt back into her as she let her face fall from her hand. ‘And besides.’ She added. ‘It’s nice to not be the one complaining for once.’

‘Yeah, you do do that a lot.’

‘Hey!’ Alison protested in mock outrage, a sense of accomplishment flooding through her when she felt Beth’s smile against her neck.

As she drove home hours later, the heat of phantom arms still round her middle, of Beth’s face pressed into her neck still lingering, she couldn’t help but feel that something had changed between them.

In those moments, hours that they’d spent together, even though they’d barely said a word to each other after Beth’s original outpour, she’d felt closer to her than she ever had to her husband. He was a great guy, and they had a great family, but that closeness, that intimacy that she’d felt with Beth, that had been lost a long, long time ago, if it had ever been there at all and recently they’d felt more like roommates than lovers.

She’d forgotten how much she’d missed it.

Getting out of the car, she shook the phantom limbs from her determined not to dwell on how perfectly they had fit together, of how safe and comforted she had felt despite being the one holding Beth, and made her way to the house.

‘Where have you been?’ She heard upon opening the door. Donnie was standing in the foyer a mix of annoyance and relief upon his face.

‘I told you I was going out.’ She said, walking past him into the kitchen. ‘Where are the kids?’

‘At your mother’s.’ He barked following her into the room. ‘I was worried sick Alison.’

Apparently he did care.

‘I was fine, Donnie.’ She said as she braced her arms on the kitchen counter, ‘I told you I was going.’

‘Well I didn’t remember.’

‘And that’s not my fault, Donnie.’

‘You didn’t answer your phone.’

She released a heavy sigh as she herself pushed up and began to make coffee. She really didn’t have any excuse for that.

‘Don’t you have work?’

‘I called in and said I’d be late. Wanted to make sure you were okay.’

In moments like that, Alison could remember why she’d married him. She was reminded of the good if inattentive man she’d met when she was only seventeen.

But still, she couldn’t help but wonder if that was enough anymore.

 

* * *

 

When Beth still showed up to their shooting “lesson” that week, Alison was beyond relieved. She had been afraid that Beth would run now that she had seen her without her walls, but apparently her fears were unfounded.

Beth walked to set up to her in silence, her hands shoved firmly into her pockets, her eyes fixed on the ground.

‘So about the other night…’

‘Don’t worry about it, Beth. It was no problem, really.’

‘I know I just needed to… needed to thank you, Alison.’ She kept a steady gaze on Beth as she seemed to struggle with her words. ‘I know we don’t really know each other and it wasn’t my place to call you, but you came anyway. I just…’ Beth finally raised her eyes from the ground, and Alison once again felt her heart ache at the sight of the tears in her eyes. ‘Thank you.’

She barely had time to register the feeling of Beth’s arms pulled tight around her before the other woman sprung away from the embrace and onward to set up their targets, but it was still enough for the heat to brand itself into her memory.

She’d never felt anything like being in Beth’s arms, the promise of warmth and safety, of the tenderness, that they seemed to hold in the too brief moments that they had held her.

It had haunted her in a way that Donnie’s touch never had. Fleeting flashes of a phantom touch chasing her through her days in a way that she didn’t want to hide from the implications.

And hide she could, she’d being doing it all her life. Normality was key. Never be too much, never be too little. Be yourself, but make sure you fit in. She was a master of repression, she had to be. But still, she couldn’t shake the imaginary heat of Beth’s arms.

And Beth herself seemed so unaffected. Most of the time at least. Since the night at her house their friendship had become increasingly tactile in a way that she couldn’t help but feel was different. Always with a hand on her arm, an arm around her shoulder or pulling her close. It was certainly leagues apart from her interactions with her other friends. But then, she also actually enjoyed her time with Beth.

Most of the time she could convince herself that she was reading too much into things. Stupid suburban Alison reading too much into a simple friendship, but then sometimes the touch would last just a fraction longer, or her hold or eyes would linger just for a second that made her sure that she wasn’t making it up. That it wasn’t all in her head.

She hoped it wasn’t all in her head.

 

 

* * *

 

‘Where do you go Alison?’ Donnie asked was she walked through the door a few days later, okay maybe not as inattentive as she thought. ‘I know you didn’t go to book club, Charity just called asking where you were so don’t try and lie.’ Or not.

‘You’re checking up on me now?’ She asked as she walked past him and further into the house, even though she just knows that he wouldn’t have even noticed anything was wrong if her friends hadn’t pointed it out to him.

Just like always.

‘You take off in the middle of the night, you disappear for hours at a time, you don’t answer your phone. What’s going on with you Alison?’

She honestly didn’t know what to tell him.

‘It’s nothing. I’m fine. I’ve just had a lot of errands recently.’

She held eye contact with him, daring him to argue with her, to question her as he assessed her with his eyes.

‘If you’re sure.’ He finally said before moving back into the lounge.

She wasn’t surprised that she didn’t feel guilty about lying to him.

 

 

Another late night phone call a few weeks later from a crying Beth had her once again driving towards the townhouse, armed with tissues and a shoulder.

They found themselves to an identical position to the last time she had been there. Beth had finally calmed down enough that the tears had stopped, the repetitive motion of Alison’s fingers in her hair calming her, brushing any problems from her mind. She didn’t need to ask what the problem was.

Paul. It could only be Paul that left her in this state. Although, Beth hadn’t said much about their relationship Alison knew that it was a strained one. She couldn’t understand just why Beth stayed with someone who obviously didn’t appreciate her, and as she drifted off to sleep, Beth nestled into her side, she couldn’t stop herself from thinking that if she were with Beth, she’d never let her feel like that.

She awoke a few hours later to the feeling of eyes upon her, only to find Beth awake, her chin resting on her chest, her eyes firmly fixed on Alison’s face.

‘Hey’ Alison exhaled, running her fingers through Beth’s hair, her eyes never once leaving hers. ‘You okay?’

Beth was silent for a moment as she traced Alison’s face with her eyes.

‘You know I’ve never had a friend like you before.’ She finally answered, laying her head down fully on the plane of Alison’s chest. ‘You’re too good to me. I don’t deserve it.’

Alison’s heart lurched at the sheer vulnerability and sorrow in the other woman’s voice, she honestly believed that she wasn’t good enough. How could she believe that?

She pulled Beth closer to her, if that were even possible, her arms closing securely around her, as if that could make her understand just how wrong she was. ‘You do.’ She said with a gentle firmness, ‘You do deserve it.’ She’d never met anyone more deserving of her time, her compassion, especially after all she’d done for her and her family. She’d never met anyone else like her. ‘And anyway,’ she added after a second, ‘you’d do, have done, the same for me.’

 

Donnie was away on a business trip the first time she actually invited Beth to her house.

Girls night she called it but really she just wanted to spend time with Beth that didn’t involve guns or tears.

So with Donnie gone and Gemma and Oscar at her mother’s, she asked Beth to come over saying that it would be a nice change from shooting for once.

She was nervous when she opened the door, as no matter how much time they had spent together in that field in the middle of nowhere, this was different. More intimate somehow.

With the wine the nerves gave way to that fuzzy lightness that put everything into soft focus and made her comfortable enough to belt show tunes in her living room despite Beth’s laughter, enjoying the way that it made Beth’s face light up. The way that Beth’s smile made her chest ignite.

She collapsed halfway on top of Beth on the couch, throwing her arms around her neck burrowing into the space there.

This she could do. This was familiar. This she liked.

She pulled herself as close as she possibly could to Beth, relishing the warmth and contentment she felt in her arms.

She remained there as their laughter died. Not wanting to lose the connection.

She pulled her head back to look at Beth only to find the woman smiling down at her, not even attempting to hide the affection that played softly across her face. ‘Hey, there.’ Beth said finally. ‘You okay down there?’

‘Yeah,’ Alison replied quietly, ‘I’m great.’

She raised her hand to Beth’s face before she could stop herself, too intoxicated by tiredness and wine to realise what she was doing, and tried to pull her lips to hers only for Beth to pull back before she could actually make the connection.

‘Not like this,’ Beth whispered so softly that Alison could scarcely be sure if she’d heard her say it, pressing a fleeting kiss to Alison’s forehead as she once again cuddled into her.

* * *

 

 

Alison was alone when she awoke. Hazy memories of the night before floating through her mind as she burrowed her way further into the couch beneath her, images her face closing in on Beth’s, of Beth pushing her away leaving her flushed with disappointment and embarrassment. She didn’t know what she’d been thinking. Of course Beth wouldn’t want her back like that, they were clones it wasn’t exactly normal. It was no wonder that Beth had left without saying goodbye.

‘Stupid, stupid. Stupid!’ She berated herself as she wrenched herself upright, burying her face in her hands.

She startled as she heard noises from the kitchen, apparently Beth hadn’t left after all. That had to be a good thing, right? At least she hadn’t scared her away completely.

She pulled herself to her feet to follow the noise, and find some coffee. Maybe that’d make her feel better. Her head was killing her.

She stopped upon entering the kitchen, leaning against the door frame, just taking in the sight of Beth making breakfast, navigating her way around like she knew just where everything should go. Like she did it every day. Alison allowed herself a moment to revel in the warmth that filled her at the sight.

She cleared her throat as she moved further into the room, not wanting to startle the other woman as she made her way to the coffee maker. Beth looked back at her, humming her acknowledgement as she moved to pour her a cup before Alison had even had a chance to make it halfway across the room. ‘Morning.’ Beth said softly, handing the cup it to the still tired woman along with some aspirin.

Morning.’ Alison replied, her voice still rough with sleep, as she accepted the cup gladly. Beth was a gift from the gods.

She leant against the counter, not saying anything, content to simply watch as Beth worked. She looked so carefree in that moment, a lightness that she had never seen before. In that moment it was truly as if she hadn’t a care in the world.

‘Eggs?’ Beth asked, pulling Alison out of her reverie.

‘No.’ She said, shaking her head slightly as she the nausea at the thought of anything but toast and coffee in her hung over state settled in her stomach. ‘Thank you.’

Beth looked over to her, an appraising look, her brow raised in question. ‘You sure? Might make you feel better.’ God she really was too much.

‘I’ll get something in a minute.’

Alison took a deep sip from her drink as she continued to watch Beth, wondering how to broach the topic of last night, shuddering at the embarrassment that filled her at the memory. Maybe she just shouldn’t bring it up, Beth seemed content enough to ignore it, write it off as some drunken mistake, she hadn’t run away and maybe that’s all that mattered but she didn’t know if she could let it go. Watching Beth flit around her kitchen, fitting into her life, into her world like she belonged there was making the desire to know just exactly where she stood grow. Because if this was it, if this was the only way that she could have Beth in her life, she’d take it. But still, Beth had said “not like this”, she’d heard her, she was sure that she had and the idea that Beth could possibly want this, want her too, was too tempting to ignore.

She stared at her cup as she tried to decide how to go about it, taking a deep breath as she tried to gather all of her courage, the ball forming in the pit of her stomach making it almost impossible to actually proceed. This had to be handled delicately or she could lose her completely.

‘So, about last night.’

Beth looked up at her, her eyebrows raised.

‘I just wanted to apologise about… for.’ She paused, staring down at her feet as she frantically tried to find the words. ‘I shouldn’t have tried to kiss you and I’m sorry.’

‘You don’t have to apologise.’

Okay what did that mean?

Alison waited for her to say something else but nothing came. Beth just simply went about serving herself her breakfast.

She shook herself into action as she realised that she wasn’t going to say anything else, setting about making her own breakfast.

She braced herself against the counter, staring at the toaster as she waited for the bread to brown. She could feel Beth’s eyes on her but she couldn’t bring herself to face her, not until she figured out what the hell Beth had meant. She didn’t need to apologise but did that mean that she wanted her to try again or that they should just forget it and move on. She hadn’t outright rejected her last night either, “not like this.” That’s what she’d said.

By the time her toast was ready she was determined to forget the whole thing and try and move on from the whatever it was that she’d developed for Beth. They were friends. It was enough, she just liked being with her.

Toast in hand, she turned pushing herself away from the counter, crashing fully into Beth whose hands immediately shot out to grasp at her hips and steady her as her own came to grip at her arms, the toast falling to the ground between them.

Alison could feel the heat of Beth’s burning through her shirt, branding her but she didn’t want it to stop. Her eyes never leaving Alison’s, Beth raised her hand slowly to cup Alison’s cheek.

Alison’s breath hitched as she leant into the touch, her eyes closing as she relished the feeling of Beth’s skin upon hers. She’d felt it before in fleeting touches and the hugs that they had shared, even the nights that they had held each other in comfort, but this, Beth looking at her with such a tender if hesitant, questioning gaze, her thumb stroking a path across her cheek was better than anything she could have imagined.

As she reopened her eyes she waited with baited breath for Beth to say something, do something, anything, unable to even think of breaking the spell herself. And as their eyes met again Beth finally seemed to find what she was looking for, a slow smile spreading across her face as she leant forwards to connect their lips at long last. Alison wondered how so simple a connection, just the touch of Beth’s lips upon hers could leave her so breathless, make her feel like she was soaring. It had never been this way with Donnie.

She leant more heavily against Beth as the kiss deepened, her arms raising to wrap around Beth’s neck as Beth used the grip she still had upon her hip to move her backwards and pin her to the counter behind her, the other still slowly stroking her cheek.

They kissed languidly, Alison revelling in it, the way that the heat spread throughout her, the affection she could feel in the touch after weeks of wanting. She’d been so afraid that she was alone in whatever this was, in this feeling that she could barely believe that she was getting to act upon it, but with the way that Beth pulled her body close, her grip tightening upon her hip, with each new connection she could feel the fear being stripped away leaving hope in its place. Each stroke of Beth’s thumb a promise that she wouldn’t run away from her and leave her alone again. Promising her that she didn’t have to be lonely anymore.

She could feel Beth smiling into the kiss as it slowed to a series of lingering connections, pecking once, twice before she pulled back completely, resting her forehead against Alison’s.

‘Sorry.’ Beth said as she caught her breath, a teasing smile in her voice. ‘I just needed to do that.’

‘You don’t need to apologise.’ Alison replied with a smile of her own as she leant forward again to join their lips once more. ‘You never have to apologise for that.’

Alison Hendrix was many things. Suburban housewife, soccer mom, figure skating coach, child, mother and really she had never expected to be anything else, anything different, anything more. She hadn’t wanted to be, she’d just wanted to be normal. But at that moment, standing in her kitchen with the woman who had completely turned her life upside down in her arms, she was glad that she was anything but because frankly, she wouldn’t have missed this for the world.


End file.
